When ever I post on here about thinking it usually ends up me talking on and on about my mom or my family life or a boy, one in particular. But for the last day I’ve been thinking of what life would be like if my parents got a divorce, which I have done before but not this much. I took a walk with Heather today and told her about the fight that my parents had and told her that I’m scared that they might get a divorce but I don’t know if it’s a mixture of feelings or what but a little piece of me thinks that life might be easier if they did get a divorce. I mean maybe not emotionally or money wise for either of them but like life for me, would it be easier? Does that make me a bad person? That I think life would be easier if my parents got a divorce and I lived with my dad and brother in this same house, with my brother and sister moved out and my mom living in an apartment or something?
I’ve been thinking of what my day’s would look like. By then I would have a licence and possibly a car. In my mind I would have my own room and we would actually have food in the house because I would have a copy of one of the debit cards so that my brother and I can do the grocery shopping. I’ve thought that I would wake up in the morning and have a smoothie and then take a shower, in order to pay for insurance on my car and gas and help with bills I would have to get a second job. So after my shower I would do a little school and then leave for my job at like Chick-Fil-A or something and then I would come home and make dinner and then the next day go to my nanny job. And every once in a while I would take myself and my brother to have dinner with my mom, maybe on a Friday night and then he would spend the weekend at her house.
Does me thinking about all of this and a part of me possibly being ok with this make me a bad person?
Honestly after everything I don’t know what I think can actually help me in the long run. I think about Kyle all the time, the past day I’ve been thinking of my parents getting a divorce that I know won’t happen, I’ve been thinking of myself in all of this instead of thinking about God or the people in my life that really do matter.
My dad said that my mom today isn’t the person he married, and I see that. I clearly see that she has changed, what made her change?
How can I focus on God and not myself after I’ve been thinking of me for so long?
Heather said that I need to spend time with God, but how do I do that exactly?
I think tomorrow I’m going to try to get school done early and take a walk with God.
I don’t know what to do. I’m lost.