Life

So before I start talking about anything, if anyone is reading, I would like to say none of what I am about to say is meant to disrespect anyone.

I’ve been feeling empty inside. I really feel like I only have one friend in this whole world and that would be someone who I can tell anything to, whether it is girl stuff or me just being stupid. I met her just a little bit ago, not even a year and I haven’t even met her face-to-face. Her name would be Krysten, and she is amazing if anyone ever needs anything you know that she will do her best.

I’ve been thinking about boys and it is really annoying me that anyone who I talk to just says “They aren’t worth your time” well you know what… a boy is the person who will give me everything I have ever really wanted. I want to be loved, I want a husband who will love me and my kids, which brings me to the next thing I’ve always wanted it kids, I want a loving family that isn’t like the people I have been around in my house lately, I want to be happy and a lot of people think and tell me that a boy will not bring me happiness. I just want to tell those people to stop kidding themselves, I see my sister who just got her real first boyfriend and even though he lives in a different state across the country she is still so happy. I keep thinking that maybe I should go to James and ask him to be my boyfriend, when I’m not around him I think that things might work out and part of that is my fear of dying alone but once I am around him I realize that we are on two totally different levels. And with Kyle it’s just crazy for me to even think that he will fully be the guy I used to know and love, and even liked in a way that I didn’t know that I ever would. Which brings me to the next point; I went to a high school girl sleepover for the youth group the other night and the youth leaders wife hosted it and started talking and she said something about how when she was younger her family kept telling her that her and one of her guy friends was going to end up going out and that reminded me of me and Kyle, do I just like him because my siblings and my mom told me over and over again that I liked him and that we would end up marrying each other? I don’t know.

My mom is at an all time low, I don’t know what’s going on but I do know that she’s not in her right mind most of the time and my older brother agrees with me. If she keeps all this crap up I will end up asking my brother to stay at his place for a bit until I have to start work again.

WordPress has been a great place for me to vent and I still am going to keep this blog up and still post in case anyone does follow and read but I am going to make a tumblr. I follow so many tumblr blogs right now and I think that making a tumblr and adding all the blogs I follow right now and expanding will be better for my computer and for my emotional and mental health.

Well that should be all for now. Good night.

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Faster

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Drowning you out….

I’m not really drowning someone, but just the annoying noises.

So my house is a corner house and my neighbors across the street, (not the ones we like, and my brothers girlfriend, but the other one)they have like 20 kids in two houses and they are all friends so after school they hangout out front. Since my dad wants the window’s open since it is so nice outside I have to listen to these yahoos. And they are so freaking annoying because they just got a new mini bike and they fight over who is going to work on it about what should be done to it. Not only that but they talk in Spanish, I have nothing wrong with Hispanics but when they are outside for hours making loud noises and being little turds that’s when I have a problem.

Still not drowning anyone, just trying to drown out their noise making and their voices with music. What’s on right now:

And

Love both of these songs so much! Never going to get tired of them!

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Spoke to fast….

So I keep saying that things are getting better and that everything is turning around but I guess I spoke to fast.

My mom is seriously going crazy. She just yelled at me for absolutely nothing, what she was saying wasn’t making any sense. Even though she’s not making any sense it still hurts to be yelled at and cussed out everyday, several times a day. If she doesn’t cool out in a couple of days I’m calling my brother and asking if I can stay with him for a few days, until I start work again. I’m off work for about two weeks because its fall break so they don’t need me to take care of the girls.

Hopefully youth group will be good tonight and take my mind off of things.

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Thinking

When ever I post on here about thinking it usually ends up me talking on and on about my mom or my family life or a boy, one in particular. But for the last day I’ve been thinking of what life would be like if my parents got a divorce, which I have done before but not this much. I took a walk with Heather today and told her about the fight that my parents had and told her that I’m scared that they might get a divorce but I don’t know if it’s a mixture of feelings or what but a little piece of me thinks that life might be easier if they did get a divorce. I mean maybe not emotionally or money wise for either of them but like life for me, would it be easier? Does that make me a bad person? That I think life would be easier if my parents got a divorce and I lived with my dad and brother in this same house, with my brother and sister moved out and my mom living in an apartment or something?

I’ve been thinking of what my day’s would look like. By then I would have a licence and possibly a car. In my mind I would have my own room and we would actually have food in the house because I would have a copy of one of the debit cards so that my brother and I can do the grocery shopping. I’ve thought that I would wake up in the morning and have a smoothie and then take a shower, in order to pay for insurance on my car and gas and help with bills I would have to get a second job. So after my shower I would do a little school and then leave for my job at like Chick-Fil-A or something and then I would come home and make dinner and then the next day go to my nanny job. And every once in a while I would take myself and my brother to have dinner with my mom, maybe on a Friday night and then he would spend the weekend at her house.

Does me thinking about all of this and a part of me possibly being ok with this make me a bad person?

Honestly after everything I don’t know what I think can actually help me in the long run. I think about Kyle all the time, the past day I’ve been thinking of my parents getting a divorce that I know won’t happen, I’ve been thinking of myself in all of this instead of thinking about God or the people in my life that really do matter.

My dad said that my mom today isn’t the person he married, and I see that. I clearly see that she has changed, what made her change?

How can I focus on God and not myself after I’ve been thinking of me for so long?

Heather said that I need to spend time with God, but how do I do that exactly?

I think tomorrow I’m going to try to get school done early and take a walk with God.

I don’t know what to do. I’m lost.

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So sad…

So lately I’ve just been in this funk and it seems like whenever I start to type something it’s just depressing and sad and I end up complaining and rambling on and on and telling pointless stories about how much life sucks. This time I actually have a reason to ramble and write something depressing.

1) My parents, married for almost 21 years I believe got in the biggest fight ever today. Lately I’ve thought a lot about how much my dad puts up with my mom because he is an easy target, just like me, so she takes everything out on him when he gets home from a 10 hour day at work and a two-hour round-trip drive. I’ve been thinking of how much crap she throws at him and how much of an attitude she gives him that is totally undeserved. Today he told her exactly how he felt after she said one last smart remark.

Today was a normal Sunday to start with. Went to church and then my dad came home early to watch the football game(Steelers all the way!). After the game he decided to do a nice thing and clean the carpets so that she would have clean carpets when her bible study group comes over to our house tomorrow night, nice husband right? Not in her eyes, in her eyes he is doing everything wrong. But do you think she would say something like “Let me help you.”? Nope she makes so many smart remarks and even gets mad at him for cleaning part of the carpet “to soon” which doesn’t make sense. He finally had enough and told her off, I walked down the stairs for the last little bit. All I heard was “There was one person in this world that I could run to when no one else was there, my best friend. One person I could confide in any time of the day, and now she is gone. I have lost my best friend.” He says this all while she is crying, partly trying to make him feel bad and horrible and say sorry and partly because she is actually sad at what he is saying.

For a while now I have been thinking about what would happen if he finally gets enough and they get a divorce. I’m only 15, that means that I would have to pick. That also means that I would have to move back and forth and visit. I have friends who have parents who are divorced and it sucks.

2) Not as important or even surprising, not matter how many times I tell myself that I will stop liking him I can’t. He’s here and I’m afraid he will never leave. Update on him, he went to homecoming with a girl, not his ex-girlfriend. They looked really cute together. His Facebook status says his still single. And he won’t reply to any Facebook messages.

I think it might help me if I unfriend him on Facebook. That way I can’t keep looking. This is from a blog that I follow, made me think of him.

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Dear Lord,

Please help me get through this. I know that this is happening to me to make me stronger and help me in the future. Please help my mom get through what ever it is she is going through. Please help my dad stay strong though all the yelling and the being belittled. Please help me and my siblings forgive her for what she is doing to us inside. Please help all of my family, 6 weeks tonight since Gram’s passed, shes with you now and we all know that is for the better.

Help my brother and I not get to discouraged this block of school with the yelling. Please help my mom calm down with the yelling. Please help us get focused and get good grades.

Thank you for giving me a family. Thank you for giving me a dad who will listen to me and who will always have my back. Thank you for the McCoy’s, they have helped my family so much. Thank you for dying on the cross to save all of us. Thank you.

I love you always.

Amen

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